just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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