my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize