Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
