break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
