Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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