I wish I could punch you in the face.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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