I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize