Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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