God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize