Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
