I wish I could punch you in the face.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
