Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
