2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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