A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
