I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
