well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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