I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
