It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
