When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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