i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
