Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
