took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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