You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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