You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
