i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
and you fell through a lawn chair
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
