im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
