the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
