Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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