I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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