Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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