Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
