Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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