id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
