I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
