i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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