running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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