our cab driver is having phone sex.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
