I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
and you fell through a lawn chair
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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