Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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