Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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