I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize