His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
