did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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