Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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