Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
