Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
