Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
