he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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