The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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