sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
