shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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