I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
His nipple licking is glorious
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