I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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